Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
