she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
