im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
