His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
