If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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