My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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