The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
