the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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