I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
