I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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