One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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