Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize