My balls are so social today.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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