How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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