we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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