It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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