Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
