I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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