It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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