I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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