I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize