I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
