the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How naked do you want me to be?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
