you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The beer is more important than you right now.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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