if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
