and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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