My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
