I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
