so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
