I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
