his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
