I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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