My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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