Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
