Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
