I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
