I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
