There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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