This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize