i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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