He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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