Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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