i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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