Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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