You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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