My nipple is on Facebook.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
