is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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