she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize