Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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