hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
