I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
