Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
