He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
