u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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