paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize