i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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