just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
