I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
