Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
