you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
