question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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