I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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