I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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