Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
